how to get a ph.d.

DIYfest

2007-09-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate Doing It Yourself, or, more accurately, Doing It Myself.
Long-time companion José del Rio has been under the weather for quite some time now, but the cost of proper medical care is well outside the reach of the standard graduate student. Join us in the next several posts as we explore the neurobiology of the 1983 Honda Prelude brake servo unit, and discuss the results of my recent study, "Excitohydraulic lesions of the master cylinder induce severe paralysis in the 1983 Honda Prelude."

Step #15b

2007-09-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

Know where you stand.
Making lists can be a helpful tool in sorting through opinions you didn't know you had.

In no particular order, a list (with photos) of the top 5 types of roads:

[1] Autostrasse

[2] Lebuhraya

[3] Dual Carriageway

[4] Boulevard

[5] Frontage Road

[images courtesy of wikipedia ]

Step #15

2007-09-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

Know where you stand.
Making lists can be a helpful tool in sorting through opinions you didn't know you had.

In no particular order, a list (with photos) of the top five decidedly awesome animals (!):

[1] The narwhal.

[2] The golden gerbil.

[3] The pika.

[4] The yeti.

[5] The anti-tank dog mine.

[images courtesy of wikipedia and Portland's yetipublishing.com ]

***bonus:
[6] The Scion.

Words.

2007-04-21T00:13:00.000-07:00

coolest
dictionary
ever

Step #15

2007-03-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

Market your ideas.
Catchy mottos and logos guarantee certain success for your campaign.

Take the new OHSU privacy policy, for example. Their new up-and-coming campaign to increase awareness of patient privacy issues has the associated logo depicted here, and the motto "break the glass." Break the glass: not only is it informative, it's fun to say. Break the glass. Straight away, I, as a putative target of this campaign am filled with conviction to do the bidding of the Administration. "Yes," it makes me stand, proclaiming to the world, "I will break the glass. And come the inevitable time that my peers stand and declare likewise, then our cry shall be 'We will break the glass.'" And our new motto, here at How to Get a Ph.D., from this day forward shall be, "I will break the glass." Say it with me where you are: I will break the glass.

I will break the glass.

H41: Lagomorph

2006-09-17T16:46:00.000-07:00

As previously posted, we at HTGAPHD have opted in favor of beginning our highly anticipated series, "How to Inflate your Vocabulary," henceforth referred to in the preferred manner: H4n. Join us as, under cover of jargon we mold academia in our own collective image. We begin with Lagomorph, the name for the order of animals to which rabbits and pikas belong. To the left is a pika who graciously volunteered to pose for this very photograph in hopes of educating a public which has, until now, largely ignored the important contributions of the Pikas to society.

Step #14

2006-09-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

Expand your vocabularly.
Yeah, that's right.

The next series of posts will be devoted to a achieving a greater mastery of the parlance of our times. Because Silverio says, "you're going to need to talk over some heads." Word. Thanks, Silverio.

Step #13

2006-08-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

Learn how to photograph the brain.
A magnetic field 30,000 times stronger than the gravitational pull of the earth is in my corner.

Fe = [XXVI]

2006-07-17T19:45:00.000-07:00

26: the nontotient, noncototient birthday.
Hooray.

Step #12

2006-07-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

Come up with a Mathematical theory of Communication.
Symbolize entropy with an H.

REPRESENTING AND SPEEDILY IS AN GOOD APT OR COME CAN DIFFERENT
NATURAL HERE HE THE A IN CAME THE TO OF TO EXPERT GRAY COME TO
FURNISHES THE LINE MESSAGE HAD BE THESE.

Step #11

2006-07-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

Know the Falkbeer counter gambit.
Understand its implications in the world of modern science.

Step #10

2006-07-04T22:36:00.000-07:00

Have a theme.
Use a new one everyday:

[i wrote a poem on a dog biscuit
and your dog refused to look at it
so I got drunk and looked at the Empire State Building
it was no bigger than a nickel
and if it don't improve
then I have to move
i never thought that I would end up here
maybe I should just change my style
but I feel alright when you smile
i stayed at home on the Fourth of July
and I pulled the shades so I didn't have to see the sky
and I decided to have a Bed In
but I forgot to invite anybody
and when I fell asleep
the neighbors had a peep
i never thought that I would end up here
maybe I should just change my style
but I feel alright when you smile]

2006-06-17T15:45:00.000-07:00

It's the Horn of Plenty! Hooray!

2006-05-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Mr. Histogram, but it's not for a couple of weeks yet.

[Intermezzio]

2006-05-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

Cinco de Mayo is the greatest holdiay of all time.
Hay frijoles.
Hay fútbol.
Hay__________________________que estan _____.
Bueno.

Step #9

2006-04-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

Have an idea.
An original idea would be ideal.

At some point over the course of your academic upbringing you will be expected to "earn your keep." There are a number of ways this might take place, but the most common is contributing to the knowledge in your particular field. The second most common, it should be pointed out, is being dropped from your particular program, only to be rehired as a Tech., a Research Assistant, or some other form of Help (as in, "...well why don't we just have the Help do it?" Or, "...it's so hard to find good Help these days.").

There are several stages to the idea-generating process, each a complexus in its own right, so we now invoke our first n-part series: On the Generation of Ideas: Where Occasionalism Ends, and Plagiarism Begins. (Part one to follow.)

Bragging?

2006-04-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

Well Team, this is a good day for me. I do believe at this point I can my "missed connection" my significant other (or SO for short). Yep, I like her.

More updates as they happen...

Missed Connections

2006-04-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

So you know what is cool? When you work at Borders and get to inconsequentially "give customer service"/flirt with as many attractive/intelligent girls as you can handle. Yep, that's cool. But you know what's even better? When one of those girls you were flirting with decides to post a missed connection on craigslist, maybe something like this:

Matt D. with a face you can trust - w4m - 23 Being a bit of a cynic as of late, I'm 90% sure you're gay, if only because you're so cute. But anyway - you sold me a book on Dreamweaver and signed me up for the discount thingy, and it was all pretty noneventful as retail transactions go... but I wish I'd chatted you up a bit more. You seemed very friendly and a touch flirtatious. I'm the rather forlorn looking girl with long brown hair, a black coat, a gray hat. But you perked me up a bit today. You were adorable. How 'bout it, Matt D. - want to let me buy you coffee?

It's well written, fairly funny, and shows she isn't put off by any potentially fey characteristics. I also remembered that this gorl was attractive, because I was surprised that an attractive girl was buying a web design book. And oh yeah, this is made funnier by the fact that my manager, Walt, was the person who told me about the posting.

And here is where the story gets even better. We emailed back and forth for two weeks, and we last Friday night we finally went out, and I didn't leave until Saturday morning.

Thank you Borders for the opportunity to blatantly flirt and talk to random attractive girls.

Thank you Craigslist for the wonderful community service of missed connections.

And thank you Walt for being the merry middle-aged manager that check's craigslist for missed connections at Borders in Downtown crossing.

weird.

2006-03-27T23:26:00.000-08:00

it might be that's it's 2:30, but i was reading the below post and i was totally shocked at how common this showing up at the ex's place of employment with the new guy thing is. that's a weird sentence. i was also confused since kyle works at a coffee shop, but not for a shop. anyway, sorry dudek, now you know about the chumpage i guess. and kyle. i'm glad you can post. morrissey mariachi sounds brilliant. the kids in l.a. will have it.

You know what isn't cool?

2006-03-22T09:10:00.000-08:00

It isn't cool when your ex shows up at your place of work with their new SO, and sits in your cafe for an hour, especially after making it abundantly clear that they weren't welcome.

What the hell did I ever see in her?

step #8

2006-03-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

Play the game.
The process of getting into academia is rife with hoops for the jumping. Jump through them.

With regard to hoop-jumping, there are a few minimal rules by which one should abide:

1) Pretend you are enjoying jumping through the hoops, but not to the extent that, to some, it appears you are making fun of the hoop/the hoop holder.
Yes: "What an interesting class."
No: "Great class, Dr.____. I think the only way it could have possibly been more interesting is if I were able to stop wishing I had never been born."
2) Pretend you don't realize that the hoops in question are hoops at all, rather, an integral part the coming-of-academic-age process.
Yes: "The other day my classmate suggested that our Seminar class might be without direction or purpose. After I finished beating them into the ground, I couldn't help but shed a tear for how ungrateful some people really are."
No: "The other day my classmate suggested that our Seminar class actually has a purpose. I just stared blankly at them for what seemed like five minutes, but was probably only a few seconds or so, then we both laughed. So hard and so pure was out laughter, Jones, a parapalegic, was instantly healed. A Mariachi band fronted by--get this--Morrisey appeared as if out of nowhere, and led us all in a celebration gala.
3) Keep it real. Meaning, hoop-jumping, for a time, is only your day job: don't let the mentality required for the process penetrate your already thinning shell of idealism.
Yes: 9:00AM, Monday: "I just love this class."
No: 9:00PM, Friday: "I just loved that class."

step #7

2006-03-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

Write your term paper.
But don't just write any paper. Write the term paper.

If you decide your goal at the outset (that of using the requisite term paper in your Conditioning, Learning, and Cognition class as a platform for launching your critique and subsequent revision of all current thought), you will not be distracted by alternative--and seemingly more feasible--topic options. Even come up with a catchy title, and get that thing on paper before it slips away. One possible option might be, "Everything That Has Ever Been Written is Wrong (and How it Should Be Changed)". Or, if parenthesis aren't your thing, "A Critique on Modern Thought." Either way, the important thing here is to make your aim clear: Kuhnian scientific revolution. Revolution. Rest on that word. Don't ever let it go. Oh, there will be days when you will want to let it go, choose a more feasible paper topic, given the present time constraints. But deep down you'll know that doing so would only be compromising your ideals. Research away, grad. student, even in the face of having absolutely no direction whatsoever. The only way to critique everything is to first read about everything, so direction isn't going to be that important anyway--in the end, you'll have to read about it all anyway.

step #6

2006-03-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

Know when a door is shut.

step #5

2006-03-09T22:44:00.000-08:00

Pay tribute to anti-tank dog mine.
Give a 60min. presentation to your class on allothetic vs. ideothetic navigation in rats. Make this the background to your title slide:

step #4

2006-03-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

Have a bake sale.
If you are in charge of putting on a student research forum and accidently spend all your allocated money toward a ski trip, you will need a quick and easy way to make some $.

Sure, holding a sale in which baked goods are provided–donated, really–by graduate students in the biomedical sciences might not be a particularly efficient way of raising emergency funds to cover your tracks, but who doesn't like a good brownie now then? Besides, all that extra time graduate students are known to have on their hands is probably being used for cooking a great deal more food than is required to sustain their respective lives anyway. Better yet, you should provide free food and beer for everyone attending the sale in question. For a nominal overhead, you can keep everyone happy and full, because that's when people will really buy food: when they are full. Sure, the whole thing is supposed to be a fund raiser, but it's also supposed to be a good time, and what sort of good time is everyone going to have unless we shell out a couple hundred dollars for the eating and the drinking? A not good time, that's the sort. And that's not really what you should be about anyway. If you just worry about keeping everyone happy, the necessary funds to pay for the massive, annual, campus-wide student research forum you're supposed to sponsor will fall into place. Of course it will. And when it does, people won't be nearly as upset about you spending all their student fees on a ski trip for you and 50 of your acquaintancefriends as you might think. In fact, they'll probably laugh. They'll laugh and slap you on the back, and you'll have a good chuckle about how close that was, but how funny it is that things always just seem to work out, and how they'll always just work out in the future as well.

kyle, you suck.

2005-11-09T21:34:00.000-08:00

because i can post and you can't. bitch.

our friend needs help.

2005-10-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

kyle, did you know that kolb holds wombats with some regularity? that sick fuck.

step #3

2005-10-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

Join a committee.
Sometimes, any committee you come across will do.

It's important to create the perception of being a well-rounded individual, and signing your name to a cause can be a great way to begin to do this. The Scientific Advocacy Committee, for example, would be a great selection. If you went to their first meeting of the term earlier this afternoon, you would have learned about how important it is that those who are "in the know," as it were, inform our Oregon-associated politicians about the importance of, say, parkinson's disease research, methamphetamine abuse research, or multiple sclerosis research. This, as it turns out, is never really a difficult thing, but the important thing is to generally avoid using terminology like "demyelinating disease," or "axonal degradation affecting projections from the ventral tegmental area to the nucleus accumbens." Such jargon can often times make the politically-minded ill at ease.

step #2

2005-10-12T23:07:00.000-07:00

Find a coffee shop.
Make that coffee shop yours, if you find that it meets the proper criteria. An abbreviated list of this criteria follows (#ed too):

1) The establishment ought to play good music.
2) The establishment ought to feel welcome to anyone who might please, but only once--a completely welcoming atmosphere, I have found, can be really annoying. Everyone should feel welcome once, but, after that, the annoying people ought to weed themselves out.
3) The establishment ought to be conducive to reading, writing, studying, thinking, conversation, and, if so desired, chess.
4) The establishment ought to serve great coffee.

You might want to check out Coffee Time, on NW 21st, for a good example of how a solid coffee shop is run. If you were studying there this evening, you would have heard them play Stevie Wonder's Songs in the Key of Life in its entirety. You know that's what the team's about.

The coffee shop you select will provide the necessary atmosphere, shelter, and caffeine to fuel you reading/studying/researching/thinking for the next five years of your studies, so choose wisely.

step #1

2005-10-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

Make a burrito.
This burrito ought to include several types of cheeses. Gouda and asiago are always good additions. While this won't get you any closer to wrapping your mind around the complexities of ligand-gated channels, it will raise spirits, subsequently making the aforementioned brain-wrapping seem like a much more doable task. It's helpful to get enough sleep the night before; also helpful to get up when your alarm goes off in the morning, though, as long as you make it to class on time--or so we're told--it might not be of as great an importance as one might otherwise surmise. The literature seems to indicate that it is helpful to include pouring one's self a cup of coffee in this step as well: truth. Think about game theory, the nash equilibrium. Think about how the next five years of your life may or may not be a study in this. Think about how no player has an incentive to deviate from the chosen strategy, since no player can choose a better strategy given the choices of the other players. Think about how this would all make a great(?) reality show.